I’ve been contemplating on whether I wanted to get back into the blogging game or whether I should leave Chaotic Critic as is. I feel like I’ve been reintroducing myself far too much within the past year. I’ve drifted away from why I’ve started this blog to begin with. Chaotic Critic is me. The crazy girl that has something to say about everything. Still, in the midst of it all, I’m still trying to find that drive. I’m like a candle that won’t stay burning.
We are halfway through 2018 and I am not where I want to be in any area of my life. This is my being brutally honest and I know there are many that can relate. I have a career, an amazing family, great friends. Hurray, right. Yet does any of that truly make me happy? Even with everything I have, I still feel lonely. I still isolate myself. This depression that has come and gone in waves over the past decade is back full force and I’m not having the best time dealing with it.
So, here I am. Back on Chaotic Critic using my platform to share my story. I’m not sure what the next month is going to be like. I do know that each day that I wake up, I must choose happiness. I can’t keep thinking of what’s going to go wrong. I can’t let the actions of others control my life. I’m in control of me.
It’s easier said than done, I know. I’m going to use this Summer here on Chaotic Critic as my “free” therapy session. If someone comments, great. If not, I know there’s at least one that’s reading. I’ll be sharing my take on how I’m personally feeling, how I’m staying organized, and more. I want to find that happiness again. That “thing” that makes me smile. I can’t stop searching because the answer isn’t in my face. I have to look outside the box and dig deeper.
Will I continue to let this battle inside of my head control me. Well, I sure hope not. Let me rephrase the “battle in my head.” When my anxiety gets to an all time high, I have negative thoughts about how worthless I am. Plain and simple. I’m not good enough to do anything. Is what I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing? I try to suppress those feelings, but now it’s time to take them head on.
That’s the reason why I’m calling this first official post of the Summer, ‘taking control.’ I’ve let everything consume me these past 6 months from a hectic work schedule to my self pity. It’s time to get back to doing what once gave me happiness. I’m not making promises on how often I’ll be posting, since that’s something I’m not good to sticking to. I will say that this is what I need. I need to write. I need to express how I feel and what interests me. I created this platform for a reason. I won’t let it go to waste.