Happy Birthday Mommy

Hold dear to your parents for it is a  scary and confusing world without them. 

-Emily Dickinson

December 10, 1966

Today my mother would have been 51 years old.

October 15, 1991

The day I was born my mother was turning 25 that December. She was a single mother of 2 (older sister is 6 years older than me) making her way as a letter carrier for the USPS.

October 14, 2008

My mother passed away after a 3 year battle with Stage IV Lung Cancer. She was never a smoker. She was a mother of 5, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a niece, an aunt, and a friend.

You would think that after 10 years it gets easier. In actuality, it’s gotten harder. Birthdays and holidays are the worst. My mother LOVED life and loved to celebrate it. She was in a foster home until she was adopted at 10 years old. The stories she shared of her time there were far from pleasant and she always made it her business to give her children the best celebrations ever!

It wasn’t even a lot. It wasn’t about the gifts. Every birthday was OUR birthday. She made it all about us. The love that she filled the house with around the holidays is what I hope to share with my future family one day. Many people will say there’s no one like their mom. Truly, there was no one like her.

As each holiday rolls around I feel as though something is missing. I know something is missing. This past Thanksgiving was a reminder of how much we all miss her as my grandmother broke down. She was my mom, but that was her daughter. The holidays have not been the same without her for years. To be honest, they never will be. There’s always that ‘something’ that’s missing. Obviously it’s her.

This post isn’t meant to be depressing, but there’s no way around it. I miss her. I miss her every day. I wish that she could’ve seen me graduate from high school and college. I wish I could lay next to her and talk for hours about nothing or my deepest secrets. I wish she was here to help me manage being an adult because often times I feel like I’m drowning. I wish she could’ve stayed longer for my 3 younger siblings. I wish she would’ve stayed longer to be a grandmother. I wish she would’ve stayed longer to live and do whatever she wanted to do outside of holding down the fort.

I think to myself, why did she have to die the day before my birthday. I wish that she would’ve never gotten cancer in the first place. Newsflash, cancer sucks. It doesn’t just kill a person, but it kills the family. My dad, grandma, sisters, and brother all have dealt with her loss in different ways. I have thrown myself into writing. Writing about her. Writing about life. I mean, I share it regularly here on the blog. I just wish I could have her by my side as I walk this part of my life. I’m still trying to discover myself and balance a professional and personal life. I just wish that I could pick up the phone and call her and vent and have her get me back on track.

My youngest sister was 4 years old when my mom passed and I know it’s hard for her to hear stories the rest of us share because she doesn’t remember. Just when I feel bad for myself about her dying my Senior year, the day before my birthday of all days, I think of my sister. Just 4. A baby!

I wonder what life would be like now with her here. I wonder how the holidays would be with new additions to the family. I sit and I wonder. What I have are memories. What I have is her endless love. What I have is a guardian angel. Still, it doesn’t ease the pain.

Happy Birthday Mommy. Happy Birthday.

2 thoughts on “Happy Birthday Mommy

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